[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.