My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me after drinking all the wine:
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water