[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
You Might Also Like
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.