I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Beware of fowl play.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff