Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
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That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?