British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food