*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Skills
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Twitter is an abusement park.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)