Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers