So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
it was love at first sight
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Yoga Matt