It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
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*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
won’t smith
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”