My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.