I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.