There are usually two types of merchants.
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
A Short Story.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.