Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.