My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
accurate
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.