Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Love is in the air fryer.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Word!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.