If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.