Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.