Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest