Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
You Might Also Like
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?