The big book of baby names but for safe words
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
She was rare, like a goth jogging
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Home is where your toilet is.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?