They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
You Might Also Like
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.