Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
The point of your 20s
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”