When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Krampus.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.