“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
You Might Also Like
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
#Caturday
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped