I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Get in loser we’re going crying
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?