*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick