ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Don’t forget to tip your server