“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*