If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT