eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I have a new favorite meme page
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.