My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood