If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I was bored.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.