When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
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[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Guantanamo Bae
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.