Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”