[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*