Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.