hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Sending in my taxes
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog