Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
incredible text to wake up to
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
💯😂
New tinder profile pic
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.