4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me