As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Found my door mat
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong