Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.