Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?