2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.