The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Passwords are more important than ever.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.