My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit