ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
getting corrected
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.