I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.