I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I want what they have
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.