I WON A HAM TODAY
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
This guy’s not having it 😆
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
want me to check your oil?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.